Owen Proposes To A Stegoceratops
by Lord Kristine
Summary: In which Owen proposes to a Stegoceratops, who is also Claire.


This story is dedicated to Raptor Dash. I wasn't going to release it this early, but goddamn it, she was just so excited to see this. Friendship is more important than continuity. If you've stumbled upon this by accident, you may be wondering . . . _why_. Believe it or not, there _is_ context, and that context can be found in _The Silliest Jurassic World FanFiction Ever Written_. At the time of writing, it has not yet been released, but all you really need to know is that Owen and Claire live on a ranch in Tennessee, and Claire is a stegoceratops. They've been through many adventures involving badgers, whales, and war-elephants, but now, they're ready to settle down. Our story begins on a beautiful summer day, which may prove to be fateful for Owen . . .

***TSJWFEW***

Owen tapped his fingers nervously against the kitchen table. Claire wasn't up yet, and he was anxious to get his rehearsing done. He would occasionally push his chair back, circle the table, and get down on one knee, mouthing a quick placeholder speech, but it still didn't feel natural. Maybe he shouldn't kneel at all. Was that allowed? Would that make it seem too casual?

Owen heard a noise upstairs and leapt to his feet, nearly knocking over his chair. He quickly shoved the rough draft of his script into his pocket and stood staring at the staircase with his hands behind his back. Claire came lumbering down the steps, yawning loudly. When she saw him, she jumped a little.

"Have you been waiting for me?"

"No. Yes. Maybe. Yes. Maybe . . . I already said yes. Yes is what I mean. I mean . . . Yes."

Claire blinked. Owen wrung his hands.

"But not in, like, a creepy way. I was just waiting because I had nothing better to do. Well, I mean, I made us breakfast, but you weren't up, so- I'm not implying that you're lazy, by the way. Just thought I'd clear that up . . ."

Claire gave him a funny look.

"I wasn't going to say anything . . ."

"Yeah, anyway . . . What was I saying?"

Claire shrugged and sat down at the table.

"No idea. You sound like you've had too much coffee. No offense."

Owen gave a twitchy grin.

"None taken. How was your sleep?"

"I had nightmares."

Shit. That meant she wasn't in a good mood. What if she remembered her nightmares whenever she thought about this day in retrospect? Maybe it would be best to wait until tomorrow. No, that was stupid. He'd been putting it off for far too long already . . .

"Owen? You gonna stop staring into space?"

Owen blinked.

"What?"

"You look like you're having a 'Nam flashback or something."

Owen laughed nervously.

"I was just thinking."

"Thinking about what?"

"Nothing much. You look beautiful today."

Claire smiled.

"Implying that I don't look beautiful every day?" she teased.

Owen considered proposing right then, but he decided against it. He had a plan, after all, and his usual laid-back approach to life would not fly in this situation. Claire deserved something organized. He couldn't fake his way through it and hope for the best. He had to be clever.

"The badgers have been trying to get into the chicken coop."

Owen blinked.

"Hm?"

"The badgers," Claire repeated, "They've been digging holes under the fence. We should fill them in at some point today."

Oh, great. Now they had chores to do. Owen could think of nothing less romantic than filling badger-holes. It was time for some sneaky redirection.

"Actually, Claire, I was wondering if you wanted to go on a walk today. It's been a while since we hiked up to the lake."

Claire smiled.

"Sounds nice. I'm up for it. I guess the holes can wait. They aren't that deep."

Owen sighed with relief. That was _one_ crisis averted. Maybe this wouldn't be so hard after all.

***TSJWFEW***

Around ten o'clock, they began their climb up the mountain. The lake was a few kilometers away, and Owen predicted that they'd make it there by noon. That was, if everything went as planned.

Owen snapped out of his ponderings when Claire nudged him with her tail.

"You okay?"

He nodded quickly.

"Fine. Fine."

She smiled and ran her tail down his side.

"You seem distracted today."

Owen forced a smile.

"I'm just thinking."

"Well, that's a switch . . ."

He laughed and jogged up to her side. They continued to walk, leaning against each other. Halfway up the trail, they decided to stop for a quick break. They sat down on an old log and unpacked their sandwiches. Their lunch started out normal enough, but somehow, they ended up rolling around on the ground, stegocera-snogging. It was kind of crazy how often things like that happened. Owen smiled up at Claire with an amorous glow.

"Claire, I was wondering . . ."

He forced himself to stop. He had a plan, and he was sticking to it. It didn't matter how infatuated he was; he had to be strong. Claire would appreciate it if he made an effort to keep this whole thing as neat as possible. He hoped.

"What were you wondering, Owen?"

He gulped.

"If you wanted to keep walking . . ."

She raised her eyebrow.

"Are you sure you're not just saying that because you actually wanted to ask me something else?"

SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!

Owen's eye twitched. He grinned awkwardly.

"No. I have nothing else to ask you."

Claire shrugged.

"Alright. Let's keep walking, then."

Owen was horrified when he noticed that she looked slightly relieved.

***TSJWFEW***

By the time they arrived at the lake, Owen's remaining confidence had completely petered out. The look on Claire's face had nearly destroyed him, and it had done just as much to his plans. He felt like a complete idiot. Maybe Claire really didn't want to get married.

Or maybe she just didn't want to get married to _him_.

He tried to forget that look of relief, but it stuck to his mind like a wad of half-dried glue. She had probably sensed that he was going to ask, and she clearly didn't want it. God, he was so _stupid_. He had gone and bought her a beautiful ring, and he certainly couldn't return it now. Claire didn't have fingers anymore, so he had secretly measured the diameter of her left tail-spike and proceeded from there. What was he supposed to do with a massive, golden hoop? Maybe he could have it melted into smaller bits so that he could resell it . . . If he could get over the emotional trauma, that is. It was such a shame. He had spent a very long time picking out the perfect diamond, and now it was going to waste.

"You okay?" Claire asked.

 _No, I am not okay! Why don't you want to marry me?_

"I'm fine," Owen said.

"You sure? You look upset."

 _Damn right, I'm upset! I had this whole thing planned out, and you had to go and ruin it by being stubborn and snobbish and-_

"I'm just a little tired."

Claire frowned sadly and put her front foot on his knee.

"Owen, is there something you're not telling me? You've been acting really strange all day."

Owen sneered.

"Yeah, well, I'm just not feeling great, okay? I think I need some time alone."

He stormed off into the woods, leaving a very confused Claire behind. When he was out of earshot, he began to mumble and grumble and kick rocks around. He stubbed his toe on a tree root and hopped up and down in pain. Growling unpleasantly, he snapped a branch off of a nearby tree and began to beat the living shit out of the trunk. He stopped mid-swing, however, when he heard something odd. There was a light scratching sound coming from inside the bark. Owen frowned in puzzlement.

"Eeeeee-peep-peep-peep-peep!"

Owen tapped the trunk again. He yelped as a small weasel leapt out of a hole in the tree and started scratching his eyeballs. He tried to pull the rodent off of his face, but it was clinging to him like iron wool. He fell backwards and landed on the forest floor with a loud _whump_. He didn't realize what had happened to the weasel until he felt claws digging into his chest. Through his shirt, he could see the bump of a weasel head poking up every now and then. He tried to swat it away, but his actions only drove the weasel South. With wide eyes, Owen tried to divert the animal's path, but it was too late. The weasel opened its tiny weasel-mouth, and-

***TSJWFEW***

Claire handed Owen another ice pack. They were back at the ranch, having cut their trip short for obvious reasons. Owen winced as Claire dabbed at his cheek with an alcohol-soaked cloth. She handed him a Band-Aid.

"Is the pain getting any better?"

Owen sighed.

"Well, I don't think it's easy to recover from a weasel mauling your privates."

Claire laughed.

"The situations you get yourself into . . ."

She kissed his cheek and hopped up on the bed. Owen winced as she shifted, but didn't stop her.

"You know, I used to think you were an idiot," she said whimsically.

Owen gave her a sardonic look.

"I know."

Claire smiled.

"You proved me wrong. You're really sweet . . ."

Owen picked at his scratches idly. He didn't know what to make of her compliments. Sure, she was being nice to him, but it was all a sham . . .

"I'm really glad we ended up together. I mean, all of that crazy stuff was hard to get through, but I'm glad I did it with you."

Yes, well, that "crazy stuff" obviously meant nothing to her, if she wasn't ready for a commitment.

"Owen, will you marry me?"

And now she was asking him to marry her. Typical. She-

WAIT.

Owen sat up straight and turned to Claire with wide eyes.

" _What did you say?_ "

Claire gave a half-smile.

"I was wondering if you'd marry me."

She reached into the bedside table drawer and resurface with a box in her beak. She popped it open to reveal a ring.

"I was waiting for the right moment. I know you don't like all of that planned-out stuff, so I thought I'd play it by ear."

Owen stared at the ring with his jaw hanging. Put off by his silence, Claire gulped.

"I mean, if you don't want to, we could-"

He pulled his own ring out of his pocket and showed it to her. She gasped.

"Owen! You said you had nothing to ask me!"

He flapped his hands in agitation.

"I- Well- I couldn't just ask you out of nowhere!" he sputtered.

"Why not?"

"Because I needed to follow the plan!"

Claire blinked.

"You had a plan?"

Owen nodded.

"Yes! I've been planning this for weeks!"

Claire cocked her head.

"But you were so nervous . . . If you had a plan, why were you freaked out all day?"

Owen cradled his knees.

"I didn't want to screw up."

After a few seconds, Claire burst out laughing. She rolled onto her back and giggled like a ninny.

"What's so funny?" Owen asked.

Claire struggled to breathe through her laughter.

"You were . . . attacked by a weasel . . . while you were trying to propose!"

Owen frowned.

"You laugh, but you're not the one with scratches all over your face."

Claire wrapped her arms around him.

"True . . . True . . ."

Owen smiled up at her.

"Does this mean we're engaged?"

Claire shrugged.

"Only if you want to be."

Owen laughed.

"Claire, I wouldn't have bought you a giant ring if I wasn't one hundred percent serious about this."

"Serious? You're never serious!" she giggled.

"I'm seriously in love with you . . ."

Claire grimaced.

"That was awful!"

Owen shrugged.

"I had a script, if you want to read it . . ."

"I'd love to read it."

With this, they exchanged rings and sat happily on the bed.


End file.
